" on the site rozluchennya-onlain.com.ua I will tell you about three options for the future for divorced fathers - father-king, father offended, father-mom.
Divorced fathers. Three options for the future
Divorced fathers often come to a psychologist. They make different complaints and want different things. But they all want to understand why everything has developed in their lives in a certain way. They ask if they still have chances for a good and close relationship, a new family. And why are they not succeeding, although five, eight, ten years have passed since the divorce? Let’s try to describe the options for the future for divorced fathers.
First type: father-king
Such men often initiate divorce themselves and have several marriages and children from these marriages. The type of the outgoing era. As a rule, these men are over 50 and they are financially and socially successful. When divorced, they feel guilty before their wife, less before their children. This is the type of man who is oriented more towards women in marriage than children, so they easily raise other people’s children and do not worry too much when someone raises their children. They love everyone and are sure that everyone loves them too. They are not inclined to devalue the mother of their children, rather they recognize her as a “holy woman” and an excellent mother, but a lover who has exhausted the necessary resources.
After a divorce, they keep in touch with their children, often at the initiative of the ex-wife, they themselves are emotionally reoriented to a new marriage. Children from different marriages compete for the attention and resources of their father-king, with all the obvious consequences. Such men rarely come to a psychologist for other reasons. The prognosis for such men is very favorable as long as their sexual constitution is preserved.
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The second type: offended father
Such a father rarely initiates a divorce himself and does not plan to ever divorce at all. The wife’s attempts to change something in the family alignment are simply ignored. Divorce is long and painful. Both sides use a variety of psychological techniques, including:
- manipulation of children;
- accusations of betrayal;
- Drawing children into psychological warfare;
- Deprivation of the family of material support;
- Revenge.
Such a father takes offense at everyone at once – at the universe, society, wife and children. And he takes revenge on everyone at once. He does not believe until the last that divorce is a reality and psychologically adapts worse than everyone else. Prone to addictions. He is usually pitied by the social environment of the family – because he suffers. He often disappears for a long time, is not interested in the lives of his children (they betrayed him), does not give the family money or arrange every payment in a humiliating way.
Offended fathers often come to a psychologist with complaints of depression, inside which there is a lot of anger and resentment for the whole world. People around cause pity and irritation, sooner or later they are no longer invited to family parties, because then the owners of the house for some reason quarrel. In adaptation, such fathers are helped by the distance in which the family, wife and children are slowly moved a considerable distance, the whole past life is moved away, analyzed. Often devalued or idealized alternately. The exit from the merger with the family system is very painful and lengthy. Such fathers “disappear” not because they are bad people, but because they so prove to themselves that they are able to survive, expelled from the family. And it’s really not easy.
Unfortunately, often they themselves spoil relations with children, who are often full of sympathy for fathers during a divorce. But as offended fathers appear less and less, and if they do, then such an appearance is accompanied by psychological destabilization or inappropriate behavior, the children are more and more convinced that the mother did the right thing, that she divorced. The big mistake of such fathers is to fall into psychological regression and adopt to their children. Children do not like this, everyone, without exception, wants to have a strong, protective, mentally adequate father. As a result, the father loses authority, the influence of his values and is canceled as an educator, which all together traumatizes him for the second time.
Moreover, in response, children themselves tend to respond with psychological maladaptation. They begin to study poorly, do not obey, get sick, in a word, they try as best they can to return their parents to the parental position. Therefore, psychologists have so many children during the period of their parents’ divorce.
If children are small during a divorce, they, of course, easily fall under the influence of their mother (grandparents). They are easy to turn against their father and intimidate. Young children often show a negative attitude towards their father and he does not know how to deal with it. He comes to a meeting appointed by guardianship or court with toys, and the child meets him with tears, screams, runs away .. He asks the psychologist the question – what does such a bad attitude mean, is it worth fighting when it ends? Will their relationship be restored? Is it necessary to appear once a year or two or three? Wait until “grows up and understands”? An extremely painful moment in the life of such fathers and a difficult experience to live.
My standard recommendation is that if you run out of strength and it’s impossible to fight further, show up anyway, at least once or twice a year. It’s better than just disappearing. Then, when this child grows up and comes to a psychologist, he will have great difficulties with the perception of the male role in the family and life. This applies equally to men and women. And this child will be grateful to you if at least something will know about you from personal experience, and not from the story told by the mother.
Third type: father-mom
This type of father is extremely common among the generation of 35-45 year old men. Such men themselves were often deprived of their father in childhood due to divorce or for other reasons, they were much closer to their mother. They made a vow to never disappear from the lives of their children, so that they would not suffer like they themselves in childhood. By psychological karma-irony, they themselves often provoke a divorce, unable to cope with the inevitable difficult periods in family life, or simply not wanting to endure unpleasant things. For for this (my) generation, the philosophy of “endure for the sake of children” no longer works.
They come to therapy with a psychologist with one problem – relationships with women do not work out. In the standard, these men do not disappear anywhere from the lives of children – on the contrary, children spend all weekends and holidays with their father, the father is aware of all the problems in the life of the child, most of them spend a lot of financial resources on children and ex-wife. A father-mommy is prone to strong competition with an ex-wife for the love of his children and for being the best mother to them – properly educate, feed, dress, etc. They are actually very good fathers. They are never ready to lose the love of children and fight for it to the last. Needless to say, almost all of their new relationships are doomed from the start. For several reasons:
- In fact, they support the old family system, moving away from it only a certain distance. They divorced according to the documents, but not divorced psychologically. They are strongly connected with the ex-wife, there is an intense emotional relationship between them.
- They spend almost all resources (financial, temporary and mental) on maintaining such a family system, leaving little or not enough for new relationships. That the new partner quickly understands, starts to fight for them and loses.
Such a strong love for children is like betting on zero in a psychological casino – the risk is huge. Which sooner or later fathers-mommies begin to realize. They, like the previous generation of mothers, “lay down their lives” for this love and would like guaranteed compensation in the form of reciprocal feelings from their children.
But life has its own program – no matter how close the parents are, sooner or later peers become more important. Well, then the children grow up, create their own families and “leave” their fathers and mothers alone. Often quite late, already after thirty, but the stronger the loneliness in which fathers-mommies find themselves. Lonely, no longer very attractive to women, deeply disappointed in relationships.
But this is in the future, and when they come to a psychologist, they still have hope. Pretty ghostly, because they “merge” the relationship as soon as they cross a certain line, after which it is necessary to change the old system. There is absolutely no motivation to change it, which is also why women mostly cause a lot of aggressive feelings.
There is, of course, the illusion that sooner or later there will be one “who will understand everything”, who will be wise and somehow solve the unsolvable puzzle of the life of a father-mother. But in reality, such a man immediately sees in a woman a dangerous enemy who seeks to subdue and force him to work for himself. And his children come first. So it’s better not to change anything.
Contact our company rozluchennya-onlain.com.ua and our specialist with the help of special methodological techniques, family psychotherapy techniques will help you quickly and effectively solve your problem situation of any complexity in family relationships.
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