How to survive a divorce from your husband – how to build your life further

How to survive a divorce from your husband in Ukraine

How to survive a divorce from a husband is a problem that almost all women face after parting with their husbands. And no matter who initiated the divorce, for a wife who was left alone, and even with children, as is often the case, a breakup is a tragedy. And even if divorce was the only right decision, it’s not easy to accept it “inside”.

Of course, behind each divorce is not just the fact of separation, but a family drama, sometimes often with the effect of surprise. But it is even more painful and even more difficult. So, the question of how to survive a divorce from her husband is not resolved in one day. Indeed, in order to move on, one must not only realize everything that happened and accept it as “irrevocable”, but also let it go. Without this, a happy life in the future is simply impossible.

The man left his wife

“Yeah, it’s easy to say to those who have not been divorced,” many of you will think now. And you will be absolutely right. But, I will tell you that I myself have been in this “boat”, so I know, if not everything, then a lot about how to survive a divorce from my husband. In this article, you, unfortunately, will not find step-by-step instructions for action, because each hotel case has its own nuances. However, with general recommendations, based on personal experience, I dare to share with you.

How to survive a divorce from your husband – complaint stages in Ukraine

Analyzing now my “post-divorce” period in life, I can say that in what way it is similar to the experiences that we all feel after the loss of a loved one. Indeed, in fact, divorce is also in a sense death: the death of love, family, relationships, plans, etc. Therefore, in order to survive a divorce and return to a full life, a woman has to go through the following stages:

• Shock or denial – when a woman does not believe in what happened, does not want to understand and accept it,
• Anger or anger – when a woman begins to blame her husband or even herself for everything that happened. And such attacks of anger, aggression can be not only in relation to the ex-husband and to himself, but also to those around him;
• Bargaining is when a ray of hope flashes in a woman’s head from time to time: “maybe everything will work out, but suddenly there is a chance to return everything to“ normal ”. The woman seems to be bargaining with herself: I will wait a little, and he understands everything, will change and come back. Unfortunately, such thoughts should not linger in your head, because this is nothing more than an illusion, and they have nothing to do with reality;
• Depression – when a woman has nothing left – no illusions, no anger, not even the strength for some kind of “bargaining”. So, depression is like this: inside there is nothing but an ocean of mental pain.

We did not have time to go through all these stages, to get to the last, most important stage – the acceptance of divorce as a fait accompli – is impossible. Therefore, in order to quickly survive the divorce and return to a normal healthy life, it is important not how to get away from all these stages, but that they pass as soon as possible. And for this, if you figure it out, you don’t need so much …

How to survive a divorce from your husband – advice from psychologists in Ukraine

So, time heals all wounds, but not always as quickly as we would like it to be. My divorce from my husband naturally affected me in a bad way. At one time, it seemed to me that the more I talk about this with my relatives, friends, the faster everything will pass. Unfortunately no. You can cry “in the waistcoat” to your friend or mother once, and no more. After all, the constant talk about “what a scoundrel he is, and I am beautiful” will not get any easier.

At one point, the realization came to me that I was not alone, I still have a daughter who needs a happy, joyful mother. And I decided that if not for myself, then for the sake of my child, I must change something. Here, unfortunately, it was not without psychological therapy. Of course, I did not run to psychologists with the question of how to survive a divorce from my husband (it was not so critical), but I took some of their advice from the Internet into my “arms”:

Allow emotions to be thrown out. This is what I was talking about at the beginning. So it is possible and necessary to talk to someone close to you about parting. Keeping negative emotions within yourself is dangerous. Sooner or later, they splashed out with such force that depression and neuroses will be provided for you. But you can’t turn it into a daily ritual. After all, your life cannot consist of endless, meaningless conversations about the past. We need to look to the future and move forward.

Return to your home routine. This may not sound very encouraging, but psychologists say the opposite. All human life consists of stereotypical cycles: wake up, eat, go to work, take children to kindergarten / school, organize leisure activities on weekends, etc. It is important for a woman who is going through a separation not only to restore all these cycles, but also to fill in the “gaps” that have appeared after the divorce. After all, you used to do that together with your husband, but now it needs to be filled with new content. For example, go shopping with children, go to the movies with colleagues or friends, invite friends over to visit, etc.

Find positive aspects in parting. It would seem, what could be good in the fact that the family broke up? Nothing. But in order to survive the divorce, you need to try to look at the situation from the other side. Perhaps in marriage, you were limited in something: there was no time for your favorite hobby, hobbies, meeting with friends, the man did not like to travel or go to the theater, you adore. Now everything is in your hands. Do not lie in a lump under the covers, but buy tickets, call your friends and enjoy what has been “inaccessible” for so long. Believe me, your renewed world “without taboos” from the past will sparkle with new colors, be filled with new possibilities and meanings.

In addition, psychologists recommend spending a minimum of time alone, especially in the home, where a lot reminds of the former. I immediately decided for myself that if not renovation, then it was necessary to transform the house, in particular the bedroom.

How to survive a divorce from your husband – getting rid of the “past” in Ukraine

It turned out that in the “post-divorce” period everything was “pressed” on me by the walls of my own house. There he is a framed photograph from a vacation at the sea, and there is a children’s bookshelf, which the former made … I decided to remove all these “reminders” away. After all, the effect of the evening spent in the company of friends immediately vanished upon returning home. And the “curative therapy” called “How to survive a divorce from your husband” became simply useless.

I started small: I hid the general photographs away, replaced the shelf with a bookcase, which my daughter had long dreamed of. Of course, it was not possible to remove everything “out of sight”, but the main thing is that the reminder of the ex-husband disappeared from sight, at least for the first time, all happy and joyful. All things were carefully sorted out and given to the “owner”. And how much free space has appeared in the house! The matrimonial bed, that is, the bed, I certainly did not throw away. It was enough that I just rearranged the bedroom and added new accents to the decor of the house. The therapy in the form of changing the situation in my home distracted me well from thinking about the past. I was slowly building the future …

How to deal with a divorce from your husband – mistakes to avoid in Ukraine

To survive a divorce from your husband as painlessly as possible, it is important not only to find a new hobby, expand your circle of friends, but also not to make mistakes, which are often “expressed” in the following:

Look for meetings in the past. It doesn’t matter in any way, but there should be no “accidental” or deliberate meeting, especially in the first months after the divorce. You will not return a man, and not the most pleasant memories will again cover you with your head. When I had to see my ex-husband (admittedly, not of my own free will), it is sure to be thrown back into the past, and my life “here and now” again faltered. I clearly understood that it was unacceptable to limit my daughter’s communication with her father. A child should not suffer from divorce. The situation was not developing in the best way, because the ex-husband met with the child regularly, and I had to see the face every week, I tried in every possible way to erase it from my memory. Therefore, taking my daughter to her parents so that her father would not see her in my presence was the only correct decision.

Look for a replacement for the former. Sometimes women rush into new relationships before they have fully survived a divorce from their husband. And not because they fell head over heels in love or found the person who understands them from a half glance. Most often, this is just a woman’s desire to take revenge on her ex or to prove that she is able to please other men. There are two negative moments at once: firstly, a woman will always be fixated on the past (after all, her goal is to “annoy” her ex), and secondly, her new relationship is unlikely to end in a happy marriage in the future. Are such experiments necessary? Definitely not. Therefore, with a new relationship, it is better to wait.

Interested in the life of the former. This is “taboo”! No collection of information on social networks (it is better not to go to the page of the former at all), no interrogations of mutual acquaintances, “what is the former there?”, “And how is he there?” etc. By such actions, you will only “sprinkle salt on the wound,” which still bleeds from time to time.

Believe me, all your glances “back”, even if you do not pursue the goal of returning your husband, will “knock you out” of the rut, but will in no way help you survive the divorce. Therefore, it is important that you realize that when one door closes, another is bound to open. And for this, in most cases, you just need to wait a little.

How to survive a divorce from your husband – three rules from personal experience in Ukraine

Of course, the first 2-3 months after parting with my husband were the most difficult for me. But I found ways to regain my peace of mind and faith in the future. And for this I only needed to show my character and make a few rules in everyday life:

No loneliness. I tried to spend a minimum of time at home, alone with myself. Meetings with friends, weekends with parents and daughter, making plans for the near future, going to salons and playing sports – all this distracted from thinking about the past.

Negative “on schedule”. In deciding how to survive a divorce from your husband, getting rid of negative emotions is a prerequisite. But, for myself, I decided that I would “suffer” only for certain hours. When a wave of anger covered me at the “wrong” time, I tried to immediately leave home: to the store to shop, to my friend for coffee, with my daughter for a walk, etc. This tactic helped me overcome my inner anger after breaking up with my husband in a couple of months.

Pleasure contract. This rule has proven to be effective. And it consisted in compiling a list of my desires – from the most daring to the most primitive, and their subsequent implementation. The list contained everything that I dream and love: skydiving, walking in the evening city, warm tea with milk, cycling, relaxing bath, reading my daughter’s books before bed … Every day I “did” one of my own desires, helped me return harmony to my life.

Now, years after breaking up with her first husband, divorce does not seem so scary to me, and certainly not the end of the world. The main thing that I learned for myself from this bitter experience is that you cannot live in the past. Otherwise, you can easily lose all chances of a happy future. The only thing that can be “left in memory” is the mistakes that you made in your previous marriage. And not in order to torment myself “and if I did so … and not so …”, but in order not to repeat them in future relationships.

Take care of your loved ones and love yourself!

Useful site materials rozluchennya-onlain.com.ua:

1. What if the person is insulting?
2. Cheating husband: advice from psychologists, it is worth forgiving
3. When should you leave?
4. Fictitious divorce and its consequences in 2021