Parting with a partner as a psychological trauma
Breaking up with a partner is a fairly common topic in my therapy work. Moreover, on both sides: both male and female. Listening to the difficult stories of the relationships of my clients, each time delving anew into their specific situation, I understand that despite the uniqueness of each couple, one can still talk about typical mistakes and difficulties that partners face when parting. Accordingly, it is possible to propose some algorithm for working with such clients.
Parting for partners is always stressful for any kind of relationship. And in many cases it is also a trauma. Psychotrauma is a significant life event, a strong change in life circumstances, in which it is difficult for a person’s consciousness to accept and survive it. In a situation where partners have a strong emotional dependence, this is not only an inevitable serious injury, but also a crisis.
The situation of psychotrauma knocks even a psychologically healthy person to the borderline level of functioning. A person in such a situation has a complex cocktail of emotions-feelings, which, as a rule, includes resentment, anger, rage, fear, shame, and guilt in different proportions.
In addition to the above feelings, a typical state of a person in a situation of separation is feelings of disappointment, abandonment, a feeling of inner emptiness, loss of the meaning of life, and depression.
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And this is not surprising. Breaking up is the death of a relationship. And often the “death of a relationship” is even subjectively more difficult to accept than the real death of a partner. In a situation of real death of the second half, there are no hopes and illusions. In the situation of the death of a relationship, it turns out to be harder to give up hope. “Burying” a living person is harder, because somewhere he lives, makes plans for his life, rejoices, sad, falls in love, builds new relationships, but not with you.
The main difficulty of parting is to part psychologically. You can leave a person physically, but at the same time not part with him emotionally. The main task of therapy in the event of parting with a partner is the task of living through the process of parting and building new life meanings.
Basic principles of parting with a partner
To separate means to separate psychologically. To break up, you need to recognize and accept the reality of past relationships. And for this it is necessary to conduct their thorough objective audit.
Important:
- Recognize the good that was in the previous relationship and sincerely thank the former partner for this (at least in your soul);
- Mourn these relationships. This is more difficult for men. Here, social stereotypes are triggered, tightly ingrained in the personality structure, such as: “Men don’t cry”;
- Say goodbye and part with illusions. Give up the expectations, the hopes placed on these relationships. It’s complicated.
Breaking up means discovering new facets of self-identity. This is especially important in the case when relations with a partner were built according to the type of merger. And as the only facet of I-identity, the marital we-identity was “polished”. In this case, you will have to “pick yourself up”. And for this, sometimes it is necessary to meet with yourself, to remember yourself. It is important to discover, remember and reanimate other facets of your identity – professional, friendly, creative.
Breaking up means finding new meanings and values. A breakup, apart from being traumatic, is also a crisis for many couples. This crisis, although it belongs to non-normative crises, nevertheless, deeply affects the personality, forcing it to radically change – to radically rebuild the basic components of consciousness – the picture of the World and the image of oneself. And this inevitably leads to the need to revise one’s values and give rise to new life meanings on their basis.
It is important to remember that breaking up is the death of relationships, not the death of people. And in the case of the “death of relationships” relationships die, not people. And people, in spite of everything, must live on – make plans, create, love.
For this, the trauma of parting must be lived and experienced so that it does not freeze the soul of a person, does not make him “a frozen block in the stream of life.”
The crisis can also proceed in different ways. It is important that it become a point of growth for a person, in which sprouts of new life meanings and goals will sprout.
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Useful site materials rozluchennya-onlain.com.ua:
- Husband left his pregnant wife: how to survive
- How to survive a divorce
- Divorce of parents: how to help a child?
- 10 reasons for divorce in modern families
- Is family therapy a scam?
- Divorce – before, during and after
- Divorce legal advice
- Eliminating obstacles in communicating with your child online
- Divorce from a foreigner online
